Declaration of Revocation of independence of the USA

John Cleese · Anonymní

Declaration of Revocation
by John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America ,

In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah , which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh . You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed."

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England . The name of the county is " Devon ." If you persist in calling it Devonshire , all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England . It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium . Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts , this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic ) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA . The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

czolgos

Dana_MI

pdmlynek

Dana_MI

pdmlynek

Dana_MI

scout66 · Registrace: 14. 02. 2005 Příspěvky: 696

V plzenskem pivovaru jsem byl nekolikrat. Znal jsem i lidi, kteri tam dlouhodobe delali, jednu dobu jsem studoval i pomerne podrobne plzenskou technologii vareni, pouzivanou vodu, varnu, spilku atd.
Plzen ma jednu svetovou raritu. Ke kazde varce piva, ktera se dnes uz vari samozrejme technologii vhodnou pro vystav tisicu hektolitru, se paralerne uvari z uplne stejne vody a pouzitych surovin (chmel a slad) mala varka uplne puvodni technologii. Pivo se nechava ulezet v tradicnich drevenych sudech v puvodnim sklepeni. Pote se odeberou vzorky z male, puvodni varky a mnohahektolitroveho tankeru a pomoci nejmodernejsich technologii se zkoumaji a hlavne
oblibu tu nahradila tvrda komerce a agresivni marketing.
Vrchni sladka v Plzni jsem se pri ruznych navstevach pivovaru ptal na rozdily pri vyrobe varek pro domaci trh a na export, konkretne do USA. Prave kvuli snaze prosadit se v tvrde svetove konkurenci jsou exportni varky vareny separatne, je u nich dbano na nejvyssi kvalitu pouzivanych surovin a peclive se hlida i konzervace, trvanlivost a odolnost. To prave kvuli zvysenym narokum na skladovaci podminky pri preprave na vzdalenejsi trhy. Specialni varky se vari i do smluvnich a marketingove vyznamnych hospod v CR, ktere maji byt pro Plzensky pivovar jakousi vlajkovou lodi. Typickym prikladem je napr. pivnice U zlateho tygra v Praze.
Specialni "darkove" baleni v lahvich o obsahu 355 ml a v pultuctovych sadach pak chutna skutecne jinak nez zbytek produkce urceny pro mistni trh, kratkou dobu skladovani a staceny vyhradne do sudu. Chutna totiz daleko lip a je mnohem kvalitnejsi a proto i drazsi. Kvalitativni rozdil je jiz totiz zjistitelny u rozdilnych obalu (sud-lahev) jiz po pomerne kratke dobe a i proto se snazi vedeni plzenskeho Prazdroje dotlacit co nejvic prodejcu k prechodu na tzv. tanky, kde se da kvalita udrzovat lepe nez v klasickych sudech.

Takze zaverem - budte si jisti tim, ze to, co pijete v USA, je ta nejkvalitnejsi Plzen, jakou muzete v soucasne dobe na svete dostat.
Na plzenske pivo jsem expert! To, co jsem pil v prosinci v CR i ve vyhlasenych vycepech je skutecne jina sorta. Ale pro laickou verejnost je ten nejvetsi rozdil spis ve zpusobu uchovani a nasledne konzumaci. tedy klasicky rozdil tocene-lahvove Wink

Dana_MI · Zaslal: so únor 10, 2007 9:44 pm Předmět: Plzen

Scoute,
Moc diky za Tvuj prispevek Very Happy

. Velice zajimave - a jen to potvrzuje to, co uz jsem rekla, t.j. ze nejsem pivar a o pivu toho moc nevim. Sice pravda, uz jako mala jsem chodila tatovi se dzbankem do hospody pro tocene a potaji srkala penu (kdo z deti to nedelal Wink

), dneska si dam ovsem pivo jen tehdy, kdyz mi neni zrovna nejlepe od zaludku. Ze zasady piji pouze suche bile vino pripadne kvalitni cervene (podle typu jidla). A v 90% jen k jidlu nebo sklenicku pred *S*P*A*M*.
Sice s usmevem vzpominam na slavne chmelove brigady; hlavne na tu po prijeti na VS (na gymplu vyvazovani mladeho chmele bylo o nicem). Prace na cesacce sice byla dost rasovina, nicmene platili docela slusne (na tehdejsi pomery); o dalsi duvod navic proc byt na ceske pivo hrda Razz

.
Snad jedine obdobi, kdy jsem se mohla po pivu utlouct bylo, kdyz jsem byla tehotna (u obou kluku). No, to jsem se ale - samozrejme - musela spokojit jen s nealkoholickym pivem Crying or Very sad

. Jak se kluci narodili, tak chut na pivo presla ...
Ale skutecnosti je, ze jsem zkusila par piv tady a byla jsem schopna vypit tak maximalne 2 loky - prislo mi to jako prevareny chmel s jecmenem, nevim Crying or Very sad

.
Asi mas pravdu s rozdilem kvality v zavislosti na typu baleni; na druhou stranu - tedy co jsem aspon slysela od chlapu (neni to muj nazor) bylo, ze tvrdili, ze neni nad dobre vychlazene pivo ze sudu ... A tata si take vybiral pivo podle barvy lahve; tvrdil, ze pivo z hnede lahve je lepsi, nez pivo z te zelene. To jen tak na zpestreni Wink

.
A jeste jeden dotaz: ta exportni Plzen je 10 nebo 12? A kolik ma % alkoholu - jestli tedy nahodou nevis? Mam pocit, je US pivo ma mensi obsah alkoholu - je to pravda?

scout66 · Registrace: 14. 02. 2005 Příspěvky: 696

1) Vybirat pivo podle barvy lahve byla za komancu jednu dobu dost velka manie. lidi se prehrabovali v bednach jako blazni! vetsina vsak chtela lahve zelene, takze ti, co preferovali hnede, byly celkem v poho. ja byl na hnedou, pac jsem mel pocit, ze je tmavsi a to pivo v ni je lepe chranene pred svetlem, ktere mu skodi. Pak se ukazalo, ze to neni pocit, ale jediny klad hnede lahve oproti zelene. Ovsem ten by se projevil asi az po mesici, kdy by byly dva vzorky vystavene intenzivnimu svetelnemu zareni. Tato predstava byla ovsem v kazde ceske domacnosti absurdni Smile

2) Bohuzel v USA plati pro mnozstvi alkoholu v napojich rozdilne normy podle statu. Takze je pravda, ze firma, ktera ma vyhradni zastoupeni pro Plzenske pivovary a.s. pro USA ma rozdilne objednavky. V nekterych statech omezeni neplati, pro nektere je treba dovest pivo s nizsim obsahem alkoholu.

3) Chmelova brigada mela neopakovatelne kouzlo a ja osobne na ni byl 5x!!!!! Prosel jsem vsemi posty krome traktoristy. Vyzkousel jsem i "rucni sber", tak, jak je videt jeste treba ve Starcich na chmelu. Uz to nebyl standart, ale vetrem strzena chmelnice, kam nemohla mechanizace. Takze jsem si zazil i tuto pakarnu pocitanou na vertele. Jinak jsem v poslednich rocich preferoval praci na poli pred cesackou. intenzita se dala totiz vic ovlivnovat vlastnim pricinenim. Vydelky byly pro studenty v te dobe opravdu kralovsle a ja byl za tech zhruba 14-18 dni schopen vydelat kolem 2.500 Kcs. Ovsem smutnou pravdou zustava i fakt, ze zaverecny ucet v mistni hospode prekonaval tritisicovou hranici Sad

pri cenne desitky kolem 2 Kcs a dvanactky 4 Kcs! To se mi ostatne s odstupem casu jevi jako naprosto silene!

Preference "toceneho" *S*P*A*M* chlapy je naprosto v poradku. Pivo je "zive", pouze s prirozenym obsahem kyslicniku, nezatizene tolik konzervacnimi prisadami, relativne mlade a ma prostor pro kreativitu hospodskeho. Nekteri mistri, ktere jsem znal, dokazali maximalnim zkracenim hadic od sudu k pipe, perfektnim nastavenim chlazeni a tlaku a dokonalou udrzbou sklenic dosahovat naprosto vynikajicich vysledku! Plzenske pivovary maji dnes takrka dokonalou kontrolu kvality vytaceneho piva a nejlepsi hostinsti dostavaji jakostni certifikat. Ti spatni se mohou s Plzni naopak rozloucit.
Naprostym vrcholem vsak byla, je a bude jiz zminovana pivnice U zlateho tygra, kterou jeji vedouci, najemnik a predtim (za komuny) dlouholety pracovnik RaJ, Karel Hulata, povysil ne snad nejznamejsi a nejvyhlasenejsi cesky chram piva. Tato hospoda ma sva vlastni pravidla, rytmus, stamgasty, atmosferu, vuni, slang. Neznam nic, co by se mohlo na svete Tygrovi rovnat. Jsem stastny a hrdy zaroven, ze jsem mel moznost nekolik let vyuzivat privilegii spojenych s uzkou vazbou na personal, protoze to, co jsem zazil a vyslechl tam, nenapise zadny scenarista, nevymysli zadny spisovatel. Mam opravdu uzasne vzpominky na pana Hrabala a jeho stolovou spolecnost, ve ktere jsem mel tu cest nekolikrat pobyvat. To piiiivo a rizecek v bramboraku se zelim, ten charakteristicky, nikdy nekolisajici sum desitek lidskych hlasu, ta smesice vykriku a smichu, ktery jsem podvedomne zrychlujici tak nejak tusil jiz od Staromestskeho namesti, to vsudypritomne pratelstvi, souzneni, pretlak intelektu, to uz jsem potom nikdy a nikde nepoznal! A to v samotnem srdci mesta, jehoz slava se jednou bude hvezd dotykat Smile

V Praze se kvalitativne priblizuji pouze pivnice U Hrocha a U Jelinku, ktere vsak maji stejne privilegium a dostavaji z Plzne pivo pouze z tech nejlepsich varek.

pdmlynek · Zaslal: ne únor 11, 2007 12:10 am Předmět: Re: Plzen

Henek · Zaslal: ne únor 11, 2007 9:45 am Předmět:

scoute pekny prispevek o plzen'
ale nektere piva jsou vyrabene na vycep (plzen)proto mi nechutna z lahve tocene jsem nepil
a nektere aby se pily z lahve treba ( A.Busch)a piva na jihu mexico,caribske ostrovy at.asi proto aby se v teple nezkazily